Confessions of a Tofu Addict by Karl Finch

Karl Finch makes me angry, he should make his own damn blog.


One day I’ll move to America and live in Portland, Oregon. I’ll become a serial killer of hipsters. I’ll then strangle them with a piano wire I bought in a thrift shop as they check Pitchfork one night. When I’ve finished, I’ll dress their emaciated vegan corpses in normal clothes then trade in their record collection for CDs, just to disgust their ghosts.

I’ll dress like them so as to blend in. They’ll never find me that way. Then, years later, I’ll realise I’ve become so much like them, that the only people who pay attention to hipsters are hipsters. Realising this, I’ll write my life story in haikus written in colloquial Flemish, hand-bind 113 copies on soy paper, and then sell them at the local coffee shop.